I almost said it

I love you,

It’s easy.

I love you.

Say it.

The words are there.

They are RIGHT there.

But they catch in my throat.

They trip on my tongue and get stuck in the thick tar of past loves and past loss.

They get beaten down by the invisible force of the mind and the heart, trying to protect themselves from the potential damages, apprehensive because of previous pains. 

I hold your hands, I kiss your lips, and I feel the warmth of your embrace. 

I still cannot say it.

I feel love. I feel the emotion. I know it’s love, I know it’s there. My heart swells with love and care and emotion that begs to be released and presses on its prison walls.

But the brain and the heart have a fast hold on my tongue and my mouth.

The heart is weak. Its hold falters and without the strength of both organs, it becomes a little easier. The words keep getting further and further, nearly escaping their prison of pink flesh and tooth enamel, but the brain manages to catch them, dragging them back into the darkness, sometimes just as they are about to slide out from between my lips.

That ogre, the brain, a behemoth, a bully for the right reasons. “Stop the words, protect the man.” it says.

The heart converted and resigned to accept the risk, finds ways to trick the brain, it avoids the traps and snares and filters by altering the message.

“I love your lips.” I say.

“I love your hair.”

“I love your face.”

They all pass the test. They all escape the prison of flesh and teeth and mind and float invisibly into the air, making manifest. Becoming real things.

I love you nearly makes it. I love you almost slips through. The brain catches it. The brain beats I love you against the wet squishy walls. The brain hammers and bludgeons I love you down. Turning a beautiful thought into a bloody pulp.

“You’re an idiot.” the brain says. “Don’t believe your heart!” it says. “You’ll be hurt, just like every other time!” “The heart won’t survive!” “You’re a fool!” “Turn it off!” “Forget this silly idea!” “You’re stumbling into weakness!”

The brain grabs I love you, bloody and bruised, by the ankles and drags the words back down to their holding cell.

As I love you’s battered, toothless face disappears into the darkness it smiles and sheds tears of joy, overwhelmed with happiness at its progress.

“Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will escape.”

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s